Welcome to Anais is watching TV. The principle of this weekly column is simple: its author’s name is Anais Bordagez, and she sometimes watches TV.
Do you know what happens at night when you sleep? This is the time when nightmares strike and when monsters stick their noses in – and by monsters, of course, I mean the most disgusting PAF TV shows.
Night is the realm of insomniacs and neurotics, those who are afraid to sleep, those who cannot sleep, or even those who are very tired but cannot sleep. want staying awake is called “sleep procrastination” and it’s when we’re so enraged at spending 90% of our waking time working that we refuse to go to sleep in a desperate attempt to regain some semblance of control over our lives.
So one sleepless evening, I decided to put my fatigue to good use and venture into the unknown territory of television: late-night programming. “Night Programs” is the television equivalent of the no man’s land, a dangerous zone with no rules where anything can happen. In general, they consist of dirty, nasty repetitions, much like the bottom of a drawer where you hide panties that have holes in them and are never worn except on laundry day.
But now, at night, even your most faithful companion, the tv.net program, will no longer be able to guide you. It’s been 1 night, it’s impossible to know what will be found in these unspecified “programs”. Late night shows are somewhat similar to the surprise bag, except that the surprise bag is less likely to stumble upon pornography.
True crime and rape culture
The expedition starts badly, on Sheri 25, where the program “CRIMES” is being relayed. Yes, CRIMES in capital letters, because crimes are TERRIBLE, and because after one in the morning the eyes pop out of their sockets, so it’s better to write the names of the series in large ones.
Tonight it’s a SPECIAL PASSIONATE MURDER number. A very polemical expression, especially when it comes to femicides, but apparently Sheri 25 did not receive the note, and in any case, whatever happens in the night programs remains in the night programs. The current episode is called “Love to Death” and tells about a woman who allegedly stabbed her rival. Okay. We’re about to blow up.
Owl, RMC Story offers an old episode “Let the accused in.” As I pull up along the way, the expert explains with a serious face: “…faces gnawed by carrion animals”. Okay, it’s still too early for that. Next.
No change of atmosphere on TFX, where we find a rerun of a series called… Crime Chronicles. What subject, please? “The Gabby Petito Case: Love, Murder, and Social Media”. Decidedly, this nightly program is as fun as a dab. Knowing that this episode was originally conceived on the occasion of Valentine’s Day, creepy definitely knows no bounds. If you like dirty and slightly bitchy shows about feminicide, I strongly advise you to fall into insomnia, you will like it.
While listening, I stumbled across Astrocenter TV, an opportunity to see that yes, our favorite little psychics are still out there, reading the future in strangers’ birth dates. Plus, they look as fresh as me at 1:38 am. Let’s repost the direction of CStar … and there, of course, an erotic TV movie. As Denis Brongniard would say: Ah! Finally some variety. True, we always stay on the topic of rape culture, but at least the tricks are there.
When you’re trying to sleep and thinking about your worst humiliation.
When I arrive, the woman says to the man on the doorstep: “It’s a simmering spaghetti sauce.” It’s okay, I’m fascinated. Is spaghetti sauce a sexual metaphor? Is this a porn parody of “The Best Chef”? I don’t know, but that thin line piqued my curiosity.
The most erotic scene in the world
To make sure I don’t miss anything more interesting, I switch back and stumble upon Bloomberg, the economics and finance channel. I realize that I don’t understand stories about savings any better at night than during the day, and I return to our apprentice cook on CStar, who has disappeared and been replaced by four women at the corner of the fire, in full force. fuss… erotic? It’s hard to say because no one has ever slept like this in the history of sex.
At some point, a woman grabs another woman by the buttocks, weighs them as if she were buying melons at Rungi, and makes them… wobble between them? Do men really think that two women sleep together like that? (I say this not out of simple misandry, but because the film was written and directed by a man). The woman, whose buttocks are being flexed violently, looks worried, as if she is taking a French baccalaureate, while the woman at the back, the kneader, shakes herself, trembling like a human jackhammer.
At this point, even emptying the drain in the shower would be more erotic. At some point, while he is engaged in cunnilingus, a girl lying on the ground picks up a blade of grass that has fallen between her breasts, watches her and casually throws it. When even the lead actress is completely in love with the scene she is playing, we know we have a great classic in front of us.
And then, as tears of laughter fill my eyes, there’s a commercial break. I want to know how it will end, me! Will they catch a cold after all this cunnilingus under the stars? Is spaghetti sauce okay? Will any of them finally find where the clitoris is? They say men don’t understand women’s bodies, but according to the actresses in this film, neither do women.
The time that passes in the pub, it’s time to clap again. Direction Event, broadcasting the program “Preschool channel for children 3-7 years old”. It’s 2:04 am now, I don’t know if kids aged 3 to 7 are very active at this time? Either way, I’ll probably need a neck brace to recover from whiplash between this episode. Dasha the explorerand the CStar movie, which has just been relaunched, with a new ~erotic~ scene with apparently Oscar-winning dialogue.
A man tells his partner that he is hungry: – I need something to eat. Instead of offering him the famous spaghetti, the woman unbuttons her satin robe and shows him her breasts clenched in a bra that is five times smaller: “Is it supposed to do?” Delighted, the boy replies: “Hmmm, oh yes, zero calories.” I’d like to laugh, but to be honest, I’ve seen an Oscar for Best Picture worse written than this (*cough* Bohemian Rhapsody).
But if I stay, it’s mostly because of the great storytelling. From the scenes, I understand that this is a kind of scientific spy thriller, something between James Bond and Cronenberg. In fact, the girl who was shaking like a jackhammer is equipped with sensors that should make her cum very hard and reveal something that is hiding in her body. The actress who gives him the line is just as confused as I am: “Professor Jones knows about all this??”.
And then suddenly everything goes wrong. Professor Jones arrives, a man dressed as a cruise director, and a female jackhammer, after cumming, expels from her body … a vicious centipede?? We should applaud the ingenuity of the implementation, which, with the help of shadows projected onto the wall, suggests more than it shows.
Unfortunately, I’ve turned the sound off so my neighbors won’t judge me for the rest of the century, and I find it hard to follow the increasingly complex plot. When the giant centipede decides to attack Professor Jones’ private parts, I’m not sure if I’m still awake or if I’m having a nightmare. This is too much for me, I stumble and get on the show “Special Fatal Honeymoons”. Come on, good night, huh.